


too late to turn around

by pettigrace



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Childe/Sire Bond(s), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai, Relationship Study, Sad with a Happy Ending, Simon Lewis Needs a Hug, Vampires, raphael centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-05 23:57:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17928806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pettigrace/pseuds/pettigrace
Summary: In the end, Magnus lets out a deep and heavy sigh, sounding like he’s in thought. His voice is low when he finally speaks up, almost like he’s talking to himself. Still, of course Raphael can hear every word. “They say the bond between a sire and his fledgling is more emotional than anything else.”





	too late to turn around

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO IT IS SHADOWHUNTERS TIME!!!! Like always, I'm posting a fic before starting the new season (The episode is out already but I won't be able to watch it until tonight, rip me). 
> 
> I haven't had the time to rewatch s3a, so all of this is based on my (rather bad) memory. I wanted it to be **canon compliant** , and I think I did a good job, but if there are any changes, don't go for my head. There's **references to all the past seasons** , though mostly s3 - **if you aren't caught up, don't read this**! 
> 
> Raphael and Simon's relationship can be read as **platonic _or_ romantic**, though I might have hinted at Raphael being in love more often than I meant to. Couldn't help it, I am a shipper, after all. Still, if you're curious to see **how _Raphael_ deals with everything**, you're right here. Also, it's **somewhat sad**.
> 
> The fic's title is from Dean Lewis' "7 Minutes". It is not beta-read and most of it has been written last night. I hope that isn't too obvious.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

It’s all very sudden.

One second Raphael was lying on his bed - an impromptu one that’s barely more than a cot - and the next he’s twisted and turned in his sleep, all the while hyperventilating, until he finally landed on the floor. The crouched position only helps for a moment, then the pain starts again. It’s flaring up inside of him, spreading through his torso and-- not fading away the closer it gets to his limbs, no. The pain doesn’t cease, it’s more like he’s trapped in a bubble of acid.

The worst? He can’t even try to _guess_ what this is. It’s unlike any pain he’s ever felt. There’s nothing to draw from, it’s not a burn, exactly, it’s not a stab, exactly, it’s not a slice - it just _is_.

Still struggling, he manages to roll onto his back, hoping that it’ll help him catch a breath. He not be familiar with _this_ pain, but he knows to keep a clear mind. Try to regulate his reaction towards it. He makes himself exhale and inhale slowly, calming down himself because, for all he knows, he’d only be getting himself into a panic attack over _not knowing_ what this _is_ if he didn’t. It helps him regain control over his body, even if the pain-- that doesn’t get better, not really. It fades the tiniest bit, but it’s still there, still prominent and if he doesn’t _do_ anything soon…

Acting on instinct, he reaches for his phone, fumbling on it almost blindly. It’s all muscle memory; phoning this specific number in case of emergency is a more frequent thing than he’d like.

“Raphael,” Magnus’ voice sounds almost like a sigh, but something makes him think it’s not _because_ of him. Still, he can’t even describe what’s in it - fatigue, worry, maybe even a hint of _sadness_ , and Raphael feels his heart drop for a second. Did something happen while he was gone? Wouldn’t Magnus have told him if something big was wrong?

It makes him forget his own worries for a moment. “Magnus, what’s wrong? Are you alright?”

“Are _you_ alright?” Magnus counters. Not in a dismissive way, but worried himself. His voice is calm but Raphael can hear the yearn for an answer in it. “You wouldn’t call if everything were— Did anything happen?”

Raphael wants to return the question, desperately so, because _what makes Magnus sound so exhausted_? In all the time that they have known one another, all the challenges they have faced together, Magnus has never seemed so… helpless. But as soon as he opens his mouth, another wave of pain shoots through his body, making him hiss out loud.

Magnus catches up on it immediately. “Are you injured? What happened?” He wants to know, suddenly alert and seemingly forgetting about his own problems.

“ _Nothing_ ,” Raphael presse. “That’s the thing.” He carries on describing the pain, explaining that there’s no reason for it. There’s no mark on his skin, even as it keeps burning - both inside and outside of his chest. There’s _no explanation_ , no matter how many questions Magnus asks to understand the problem. Still, Raphael obeys. He answers them, explains when the pain started, that he hasn’t been involved in any fights recently. _No_ , it started while he was _asleep_ (there’s been an ache in his chest before, but of course it has been. He’s left his home behind; not that he’d admit any of this to Magnus, especially since it’s not relevant), he doesn’t know either - he hadn’t even dreamt.

In the end, Magnus lets out a deep and heavy sigh, sounding like he’s in thought. His voice is low when he finally speaks up, almost like he’s talking to himself. Still, of course Raphael can hear every word. “They say the bond between a sire and his fledgling is more emotional than anything else.”

Raphael has heard so, too. Of course he has - it’s always been a topic he’s come to circle back to, fist when he’d been freshly turned (trying to find his sire, to understand, and in the hopes of receiving _help_ ) and then time and time again after becoming part of Camille’s clan. Trying to understand what the connection _means_ , if he could ever do such thing... _why_ one would do it. He’s never discovered the appeal, not really.

“I’m nobody’s sire,” Raphael says decidedly. He knows whom Magnus means, of course he does, and the thought still leaves a bitter taste in the back of his throat, cutting into his flesh, maybe with even more intensity than before. But his words speak the truth - he may have taken Simon under his wing, grown to like him more than he’d ever meant to, but ultimately their connection is barely tied to anything supernatural.

Magnus makes a sceptical sound at that. “You of all people should know that--” But he cuts himself off when he hears the faint growl building up in Raphael’s throat. It certainly is good to know that Magnus still has an ounce of respect left for him. It has never been as much as he would have liked, with Magnus viewing him as a son rather than anything else, but with everything that’s happened recently - all the mistakes that Raphael has done - he’s expected to be turned away, to be resented. And now, Magnus almost sounds like he still cares…

“Look, my knowledge about vampires is pretty limited,” Magnus continues. “It all comes either from watching or treating you, Sybill or… _her_ \- or, more importantly, because _you told_ me about things. Now, tell me you don’t think any of this sounds familiar.”

Raphael knows what he’s referring to, that supposedly sire and fledgling can feel the other person’s strong emotions echo though their own body. When he researched on the sire bonds, when he learnt that Camille bit mundanes left and right, not caring what might become of them… Most of them didn’t die shortly after her sessions; they were safe. Others weren’t so lucky, but they didn’t get far in their lives as the undead either. Hearing about-- _dealing_ with the outcome, it’s what has motivated Raphael to look, once again, closer into the sire-bond: To find out whether there’s an option of transferring it, if someone else can take care of the new-borns… There’s been plenty of stories to draw from, contradicting ones even, and in the end he’s never come to a conclusion. And with Camille being gone, it hasn’t been necessary recently.

But... never would he have thought that would mean causing one side unimaginable _pain_ . And then, of course, there’s the fact that he _isn’t Simon’s sire_. In all the sources he’s found that _claimed_ people has transferred the bonds successfully, there’s always been talks about special rituals, repeated blood transfers and lots of things that sounded like they were fresh out of a bad romance novel. He’s _very_ certain that none of the days they have spent together - _days_ because Simon hadn’t adjusted to the new schedule yet - entailed an activity that would qualify as _either_ of those.

But, of course, there’s no guarantee that all those reports have been truthful. What if it wasn’t so much the performance of a ritual that caused that transfer of powers, but rather the establishment of an emotional connection, the very thing that Magnus is referring to. Could the… fondness he’s developed towards Simon - _had_ developed, it’s not there any more - be enough for such a thing? He honestly doesn’t know.

“So you think I’m feeling _Simon’s pain_?” It’s almost insane, he thinks, but then again, what _isn’t_ in their lives? He’s left behind all memories of normalcy in the 50s. He doesn’t like to admit it, but maybe it _is_ possible. Then, the next questions pops up in his head. _Why_ would Simon be hurting? Did something happen? He can’t be injured, Raphael knows as much; the last time they have met, it seemed that the younger vampire had somehow become invincible. Has that already ceased to be? It seemed inexplicable  - not to mention _dangerous_ \- so, knowing Simon, it would probably be for the better. Still, and as much as Raphael hates it, the idea of him being hurt makes him anxious.

“His emotional pain, yes.”

Subconsciously, Raphael rubs over his chest, trying to soothe the ache inside of it. He recognizes that feeling, as if your heart - if it even still exists - is ripped out again and again, torn about and burnt inside of you. Ge recognizes that feeling, one that speaks of loss and loneliness, but he’d thought it could never be worse than when he’s lost Rosa, the last member of his family. He’s been wrong; the pain flaring up inside of him is so, so much worse. He can’t really remember the feeling of being turned, only that it hurt, and he thinks even that can’t compete.

He hears himself speak before he realizes he’s opened his mouth, “What happened?”

As Magnus explains, Raphael figures that he has been wrong when he thought the pain he’s feeling right now couldn’t get any worse. He feels his heart drop more and more with each word; they echo in his chest, ripping it open from within. He wasn’t close to Valentine’s daughter, of course not, but with all the talking Simon did about her, he might as well have been. He knows that she’s the most important person in the fledgling’s life, the friendship of them beyond words.

That Simon - _no_ , the curse done upon him - is supposed to have _killed_ her… Raphael doesn’t know - _can’t_ know - what he must feel like. It would explain, _if_ Magnus’ theory was true, the intensity of the pain projected onto Raphael.

And not only that, Magnus keeps on talking, explaining all the things that have happened to Simon recently. That he and the werewolf girl broke up in the end doesn’t surprise Raphael, given that those two natures are star-crossed either way. Still, he can imagine how crushed Simon, the guy who feels his emotions with his whole heart, must have been. And then, something that Raphael knows too well from personal experience: Simon’s lost his mother. Not literally, but close enough. It’s the same situation that Raphael’s siblings have had, believing that he died - Simon can’t even go to visit her, his mother remembers him too clearly. Raphael remembers how close they have been, how much Simon’s mom has meant to him… Life really seems to be out for him recently.

“I… had no idea,” Raphael says when Magnus has finished - trailed off, actually, because how are you supposed to end such a recap? His voice is rough, the pain crawling up in his throat. They’ve all had a hard time, yes, but it’s nothing you wish upon someone you once liked.

“You had your own problems to worry about,” Magnus says, as if he read Raphael’s mind. He means it as a way to calm him down, but when he adds, “You weren’t even in the _city_ ,” he can’t help but think about _why_ he hasn’t been there.

His whole… thing with Isabelle has worn him out, yes, and losing the last member of his family was more than devastating, but _nothing_ , none of that, justifies the experiments he has done. _He’s_ been the one who’s turned Heidi into what she has become - _he’s_ responsible for what she has done to Simon and his family. A lot of the misery that Simon is experiencing is _his_ fault.

That realizations sharpens the pain inside him again, though he thinks some of it might be his own.

“The Shadowhunters are holding a funeral for Clarissa soon,” Magnus carries on. “In the Institute. I’m sure you’d be welcomed to attend.”

Raphael bites back a laugh at that. _He_ is _very_ sure he would _not_ be welcomed. Not just because he never felt anything positive towards Clarissa herself, but also because _none_ of the Shadowhunters would forgive him what he has done in the past. And the same, he imagines, would go for Simon. Raphael knows that, should he try to barge into a gathering held by the Nephilim, Alec Lightwood would be the first one to send him away. His cheek still stings, maybe even more so than at the memory of Aldertree’s torturing, as he remembers the punches Alec gave him when he discovered about his liaison with Isabelle. He deserved them, that’s out of question, but it also means that their differences are personal, promising that all their encounters will be awkward, if not hateful.

Magnus still knows him better than he’d like - either that, ot he’s spent the past few weeks learning to read minds. It’s like he knows exactly what Raphael is thinking right now. “This is not the time for personal disputes. Maybe you can set them aside.” And with the way he says it, not mentioning anyone specifically, Raphael can’t help but think he might mean Simon more than any of the Lightwoods.

Either that, ot Raphael is plagues by wishful thinking.

It’s weird, actually, given his history with Isabelle - given that _she_ was the one who sent him away -  that during his exile, his thoughts have kept circling back to the _fledgling_. Though that’s not what he is any more, is it? There’s been a time when Raphael was at his most vulnerable that that thing was the only thing that concerned him about Simon: That suddenly, after only a few weeks as a child of the night, he was granted the ability to walk under the sun again. Raphael’s become obsessed with it, wanting it for himself, thinking it wasn’t _fair_ that Simon just got it handed to him (but now he knows he’s deserved it more than anyone, of course. Raphael is too used to a life as a vampire, what would he even do with mortality?) but even before that ache in his chest had appeared, those thoughts had changed. Instead, he kept coming back to worrying about him like he’d done before Simon betrayed the clan. And how he’d done while Camille was on the run, even if he said Simon should _search_ for her. It was a matter of authority, the fact that he pulled him into that, but he’s kept an eye on him the whole time, wanting to make sure he’s alright.

And it’s been the same while Raphael was gone out of New York. Realistically,it’s made no sense: even if people were after Simon due to his Daylighter status, Raphael know first-hand that there’s something, some kind of shield, protecting him from any harm. Still, that raised a question of its own and he couldn’t but wonder whom Simon ended up with - and what they might want from him in exchange. There’s another wave of worry running through him at that thoughts. You really can’t leave the fledgling without any supervision, can you? Even under Raphael’s watch, he’s always managed to get himself into some trouble, but he feels like without him it’s even worse.

And what if… there’s no guarantee that Magnus’ theory isn’t true, is there? They can’t trust any of the reports. And he’s certainly behaved more like a sire to Simon than Camille ever has. So maybe… Maybe there _is_ an explanation for the pain inside of him.

“Fine,” he sighs. And before Magnus can come to his own conclusions, painting him as soft or the like, he adds, “Can you create a portal?” It’s the middle of the day, meaning he can’t just run back to New York - and with the pain flooding and ebbing he wouldn’t dare to try that even at night.

“I… can’t.” It’s a definite statement, almost sounding like he means it _literally_. There’s a story to that, and knowing that certainly doesn’t help Raphael’s anxiety about the whole situation. Trust the Shadowhunters to pull _everyone_ into their mess.

Raphael closes his eyes, thinking about his options. Maybe he should rent a car. He’s got enough money with him and he didn’t make it _too_ far from New York. It would take, what, an hour until he could be at Magnus’ place? But these flares of pain… He can’t see a rhythm to them, no guarantee that they won’t get any worse while he’s on the road. He wouldn’t die in a car accident, of course not, but the closer he gets to the city, the more mundanes would cross his path, no matter the hour. And he’s got enough of injured humans for the next hundred years. “Okay,” he finally says, “I’ll get a cab.”

“Sorry about that,” Magnus replies, the cringe audible in his voice. “It’s… a long story. I will explain when you’re here.”

“Why do I feel like I won’t _like_ that story,” Raphael mumbles, but he’s already pulled the phone away from his ear and started searching for cab companies. Finding one that would do such a trip in the middle of the night won’t be easy, but there will be options, he’s sure. It will probably help that he calls half a day before needed. Leaves them time to get adjusted to that.

Magnus leaves out a bitter laugh, implying that Raphael’s correct. “You should text if anything… changes about your condition.”

“Do you know if Simon--” Of course Magnus knows about the emotional turmoil that Simon must undoubtedly feel, but is he okay otherwise? It’s one of the things Raphael can’t stop thinking about. If this _is_ a connection between them, who says it isn’t _physical_? What if he’s feeling Simon’s pain, yes, but it’s because he really got hurt? But he doesn’t get the chance to finish all of that.

“Jace is with him,” Magnus assures him. “They’re… dealing with it.”

Raphael nods, for the moment forgetting that Magnus can’t see him. Thinking about it, he should probably try to get up from where he’s leaning against the bed frame soon. He knows that the Herondale boy - because that’s what Jace is, apparently - was… probably not in _love_ , but pretty enamoured with Clarissa. It would make sense if they found towards each other in that situation.

“I-- You could try to call _him_ , you know?” Magnus suddenly says. It might have just occurred to him, but maybe he didn’t know how to bring it up. Raphael doesn’t know about Magnus but he knows why _he_ didn’t get that idea.

He does have Simon’s number; there’s been more than enough times where the fledgling had called _him_ , trying to fit into his life. Even when he lived at the DuMort he’s been calling Raphael non-stop, not caring whether he was busy or not. And it wasn’t always about something serious. Instead, Raphael had suddenly become a textbook on vampires, passing on information about whether they could get AIDS - no, they can’t, there’s no live blood inside of him that could pass on the virus - or if they really can transform into animals. Simon had been very amused at the idea he could become “literally Batman,” no matter how many times Raphael said no.

Still, with how things have gone recently… He _can’t_ just ring Simon up, especially not with such news. Learning that they might be _bonded_ , at least to some degree, after all the times they have not just bumped heads but actually ended up _attacking_ each other… It’s a lot.

Besides, he feels like he has to see it with his own eyes - that, at least physically, Simon is alright. That doesn’t even have anything to do with the supposed projection of pain; now that he knows about everything that has happened to the fledgling recently, he’s worried for _him_. And he really needs to get back to New York, to check up on Magnus and that story of his - because apparently that’s not something to say on the phone. There’s more than enough reason for him to get back as soon as possible.

“I’ll take a cab,” he decides finally.

He doesn’t know if it’s the tone of his voice or if Magnus didn’t want to put up a fight about it in the first place, but he isn’t met with any arguing. Instead, Magnus settles with a quiet reminder, “Just… be careful.”

 

-

 

Raphael had a plan. His first stop was supposed to be Magnus’ loft, requesting not only an explanation for everything that has been going on ever since he left the city, but also to request an examination of himself. Talking about it on the phone is one thing, but what if there’s something that he couldn’t have noticed, given that _he_ has no way of sensing magic? There’s no guarantee that he hasn’t been hexed by someone without his noticing, they need to make sure about that.

But as he left his cab, all thoughts about that have vanished. He doesn’t know if it was his own doing, that he calmed himself down so much that he could deal with it so well, or if the pain really had subdued to the small echo inside of his chest - it’s almost easy to ignore it when he distracts himself. It doesn’t get any worse when his feet touch New York ground, though irrationally he had kind of expected it. No, it stays the same, leaving him to take in his environment.

And that’s when he catches the scent.

There’s no long preamble to the fact that he recognizes it as Simon’s immediately - there’s been too many times that he’s had to search for the fledgling for him to not remember it. A mixture of New York’s smoke with wood, coming from guitar after guitar, and a hint of twizzlers (because even after he got turned, when he didn’t need to eat, he couldn’t keep off sweets); it all adds up to Simon undoubtedly. And if this whole thing were about being connected to Simon, shouldn’t that proximity be enough to _do_ something? Make the ache disappear?

But maybe it _is_ that connection that makes him act now. That makes him pocket his phone again, forget about texting Magnus that he’s arrived safely. That makes him set off, only trusting his enhances senses and not _thinking_. That makes him arrive at a Jewish cemetery, a place that should bring back memories but doesn’t, at least not yet.

He does find Simon right away, even with the way he’s sitting down on the ground, leaning against a headstone. It’s morbid, in a way that it almost isn’t - in another situation, he might appreciate the irony. Now, though, as he approaches, his heart hammering in his chest (and this time he can’t tell if it’s pain or anxiety), he can’t help but _notice_. The way Simon sits there, staring into the darkness… He’s completely still and while that is usual for the average vampire, it’s the opposite of _Simon_. Even after being turned, his fidgeting didn’t get any less; there’s rarely been a time where Simon was not fumbling with something, or making big gestures, bouncing a leg… But now he really is completely still, probably not even breathing.

It’s… a sad sight, there’s no other way to describe it. And given everything that Raphael knows, it’s the only thing that is _not_ concerning, weird as it may seem. At least he’s still true to his feelings, not trying to act like everything is alright. Being so connected to his emotions, it’s what he’s always admired about the younger - and, frankly, if that were suddenly gone, he wouldn’t know what to do.

Simon is so far in his trance, he doesn’t even notice Raphael when he’s stepping up to stand right next to him.

“Simon,” he says softly, and this time the name doesn’t taste like anything. And how could that compete with the sight in front of him, with that picture of absolute sadness and regret? It makes him feel a twist in his stomach, one so different and yet not at all from the pain he’s felt before. _This_ , he knows, is definitely _his_ own reaction.

He’s not surprised when Simon doesn’t react but keeps staring ahead. He really is completely silent, not even drumming a rhythm with his fingertips like he usually does.

Maybe physical contact will do the trick, snap him out of his trance, Raphael thinks. He slides down next to Simon, not caring about ruining his suit pants on the dirt. There’s been a time, back when he was a boy, where Raphael was afraid of cemeteries. Death isn’t seen as permanent, not really, in the Mexican culture and he’s always enjoyed the _Dia de los Muertos_ celebrations but actually visiting where the bodies lay? It had scared him more than he can imagine, looking back. Of course, he’s left it behind the more he experiences in this supernatural world. When you’ve already died yourself, when you drink the _blood_ of people, _kill_ people, then being in a place where their bodies rot isn’t the worst thing in the world.

And especially not when the night is your element.

The movement does catch the fledgling’s attention at last and he moves his head slowly - _way_ too slow, not just for a vampire but for _Simon_. It’s like watching him move in slow-motion, the energy being drained from his body. Even his eyes look tired, almost like he’s looking through Raphael, and he doesn’t even look surprised when he mutters, “Raphael.”

It’s weird, he knows it, the fact that it’s not a question. That it’s almost like he expected him to show up. Is the connection real? Maybe Simon felt _his_ pain when he left New York. Maybe before that, maybe when Rosa died. Maybe after he betrayed the clan-- But he’s never shown any sign for it. And Magnus would have mentioned it earlier, if Simon had shown inexplicable pain. No, there’s something else that makes his appearance so… normal to the fledgling.

“It’s fitting that you’d show up, too,” Simon continues, this time a smile tugging on his lips. It’s an ironic one, Raphael can tell by the tone of his voice. He watches as Simon turns his head again, looking ahead like there’s someone there, too. It makes the pieces fit together in his mind: Simon doesn’t believe he’s really _here_. How many ghosts have plagues him in the past days?

“I’m here,” Raphael says carefully, not sure what else to say. He leans against him, hoping the pressure helps, but Simon keeps staring ahead. With a sigh, he reaches for the other’s hand, closing his own around it. “I really am.”

In return, Simon hums softly. His hand stays like this for a while, but the more seconds pass on between them, neither of them speaking - Raphael watches him, clenching his jaw as he takes in the dark circles under his eyes, the shadow on his cheeks from the lack of any nutrition, no doubt -, the tighter Simon’s grip gets. It’s slow, so much that even _Raphael_ didn’t notice at first. They do that at the same time.

Simon’s mouth falls open at the realization, the fact that this _is_ real, and for the first time, he’s out of his trance. He’s acting on instinct, Raphael can tell as he tries to pull his hand away, but he keeps holding onto it. Even if Simon didn’t starve himself, he’d be stronger, no matter his Daylighter status. That Raphael insists on the physical contact only seems to make his confusion even worse, but he doesn’t try to pull away anymore.

“I-- I didn’t realize--”

“That I’m here?” Raphael asks, raising an eyebrow. He moves his thumb over Simon’s wrist, trying to assure him that _he is_ , that this is real. That he isn’t leaving. Not yet, at least. He will have to, eventually, because he still has the deal with Isabelle and-- does Simon know? Does he know that it’s been Raphael who messed up Heidi so badly? Knowing him, he wouldn’t be running from, wouldn’t be despising Raphael even if he were aware of that. It’s always been one of the weakest points about Simon - his ability to _trust_.

“I didn’t think it was real,” he admits quietly. There’s something sheepish towards it, almost like they’re back at the Hotel and nothing bad has happened between them. Instantly, Raphael is reminded of all the times Simon has messed up the simplest etiquette and apologized with nothing but a smile of his.

He doesn’t know what to say - not a single word could make any of this better, he knows it firsthand. And yet… it’s what he’s here for, isn’t it? He can’t just sit here, holding Simon’s hand and not explain.

Apparently Simon thinks the same, because he asks, “What _are_ you doing here?”

Raphael hesitates. He wouldn’t know where to start. He could tell him about the pain, currently buzzing in his chest but getting lighter by the second, almost as if it… were healed for the moment, and about Magnus’ idea for how it comes to be. He could say he’s learnt something is up with Magnus, his oldest friend, and that he came to check up on him. He could say he’s heard about Simon’s family. About Clarissa. About Heidi. About Lilith. There’s so much he wasn’t here for, so much he wouldn’t have wanted to let a clan member - a _former_ clan member, he reminds himself - go through. So in the end, he settles with, “I heard about… everything.”

“Everything,” Simon echoes. There’s a dry laugh in his voice and he looks back ahead. “That sounds fitting.”

“I can’t even imagine…” Raphael trails off almost immediately. He’s tried to, but there’s so much he wouldn’t wish upon his worst enemy playing into this story, he couldn’t make himself think about it. It was for his own well-being.

“We’re sitting on my grave,” Simon carries on. “Only I _haven’t_ been buried in _this_ one.”

Now, that _is_ morbid. Raphael fights the urge to turn around, to look what the headstone says. He doesn’t want to see the echo of his own story playing out right in front of him, not when the end of it is so fresh to him. Instead, he looks ahead now, too, trying to spot where they had buried Simon as he turned. It must have been further in the East, he thinks, but he isn’t sure any more. That night, there’s been more important things to remember than the location of a hole they would never visit again.

“I’m sorry,” he says finally. And he means it, maybe more so than anything else that he could have said. Considering _Heidi_ was the one who showed Simon’s family… He _is_ the one to be sorry for it. The one who should have prevented it.

Simon sounds thoughtful, like he’s been thinking about all of this non-stop. And maybe he has. “Aren’t we all.”

This is the moment where Raphael should man up. He should admit it to Simon, because he clearly _doesn’t know_ that he’s responsible for his misery - and wouldn’t it be fair if _that_ really were the reason behind the pain he’s in? But when he opens his mouth, he chokes on the words. Where should he start? The jealousy, the thing that doesn’t make sense? The way he forgot himself, his principles, when he thought he could experiment on another being? How he’d fled, caring about himself more than justice, when Isabelle said she’d report him otherwise? All of this… Raphael had always thought of himself as a… fair man. Not good, because how could you be when you spend your life being cursed - though looking at Simon, maybe being damned doesn’t mean you get to fall -, but fair. Adjusted. His recent behaviour, though, has made him question all of this.

“I know the pain you’re in.” Raphael says finally. Not mentioning that it might be literal.

Simon narrows his eyes at him, thinking about it. He tilts his head a little as he replies, “ _You’re_ not responsible for killing your loved ones.”

“Neither are you.” The words are out in an instant, almost like a reflex, but it doesn’t mean they aren’t true. The purity of Simon’s heart… Raphael has doubts he could kill even an enemy. “You didn’t mean to hurt me either, did you?”

He notices his mistake within a moment - the jump he made from Simon’s _loved ones_ to himself. The implication it entails. Once upon a time, he might have been one of the people Simon was closest to. That is long gone by now.

“But I did,” Simon says. “Just like I killed Clary.”

“You didn’t--” Raphael hisses. He stops himself because he knows a stern talk won’t help Simon with anything. He’s not the type of person for one of those. “Magnus told me about what happened. And-- it wasn’t _you_ , Simon. It was this--” He gestures at his forehead, not sure what to call it. It doesn’t seem to be a _spell_ , not really. Magnus would have described it as such otherwise.

Apparently, Simon catches up on it. “It’s called the _Mark of Cain_.”

“Huh,” Raphael lets out before he can stop himself. The _Mark of Cain._ A story of jealousy, of murder, of justice. Cain was the first murderer in the world, but not only that. He killed his _brother_. He’d always found the story more than despicable, and he’s sure the same goes for Simon with his love for his family. There’s nothing that could be farer off to be burned into Simon’s skin.

“It fits,” Simon carries on. Maybe he’s had the same line of thought as Raphael. But they didn’t come to the same conclusion. “I mean, I did kill the girl who was pretty much— family.”

“ _It_ killed her.” Raphael corrects. If anything, it would be a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it’s definite that _none_ of it is Simon’s fault. He says it with such force that Simon looks at him surprised. “ _Bebé_ , you’re probably the only one around here who is _not_ at fault for his fate.”

He knows that’s not true. That almost all of them have been manipulated in one way or another, that they could only deal with what they were given, but he also knows that Simon is one of the few people who would step away from causing harm even when it’s his only way out. It’s a cruel joke that he’s been bestowed with such a mark, with one that reacts so violently to any kind of threat.

Finally, Simon turns. Not just his head, but his body as well. It doesn’t work completely, they’re still sitting on the bare ground. Leaning against the headstone. But Simon turns the _whole thing_ around. Suddenly it’s _his_ hand around _Raphael’s_ wrist, his eyes speaking of determination. Raphael doesn’t even knows how it happened.

“Why aren’t you with Magnus?” Simon wants to know. He bites his lip as he thinks of how to carry on, but he holds Raphael in place like he won’t let him go before he gets an explanation. “I would have thought-- I mean, he did make a sacrifice--”

“Magnus did _what_?”

“Don’t tell me you don’t know.” There’s actual disbelief written into Simon’s features. “Oh my G--, I didn’t-- You’ve known all _this_ and he didn’t--”

“ _What_. Did. Magnus. Do.”

“He.. made a deal. Gave up his powers. I don’t know the details either, I thought you’d know-- It helped get Jace free.” Simon rambles, almost like he acted weeks ago when the tragedies that have hit him weren’t _that_ bad. Still, it doesn’t make the words any better.

“He-- That absolute _idiot_ \--” If it weren’t for Simon still holding him down, not with force but the gesture is enough, he would have jumped up and gone to Magnus’ place within the minute. He wouldn’t ask for explanations, no, he knows that Magnus has grown soft, weak even, ever since he started dating that Shadowhunter. Of course he would go and give up _everything_ , his entire life, his powers and all they entail, for his boyfriend’s _brother_. It’s ridiculous, the way he didn’t just let himself be pulled into the Shadowhunters’ politics, into their smallest problems, but that he also acts like they are _his_!issues to fix.

“Raph,” Simon says, lifting his hands and placing them on Raphael’s shoulders. The action makes him look up, meet Simon’s eyes and see how sad they truly look. “I’m sure he has a plan. Magnus always has a plan.”

Raphael wants to answer, wants to say how that’s not true. Magnus has always acted after his heart and he has a way of planning things out _as_ !they happen, but he rarely gets in _with_ a plan. And frankly? Whatever is powerful enough to steal his magic, it will also be able to outwit him. Getting his powers back will be close to an impossible task. Either that or it will be connected to deal after deal, making Magnus a slave to whoever did this to him.

“But I… How did you not know? You knew all about--” Simon trails off, not wanting to finish the sentence. Raphael gets what he means anyway.

It’s the moment of truth. At least a portion of it. “Magnus left it out. Maybe he didn’t think it was relevant when we talked earlier.”

“But _my_ mess was?”

“I--” He’s not sure how to explain it. Raphael rubs over the bridge of his nose, trying to think of an approach. “He has a theory.”

“A theory,” Simon echoes. “About me?”

“About… us.” Raphael corrects. He watches as Simon opens his mouth, no doubt about to spew out a bunch of questions, but he is faster with carrying on. “There’s no certainty, but there might have been… a shift. As in: it might be possible that I became your sire during your time at the Hotel.”

It’s what should surprise Simon the most of everything, but it _doesn’t_. Instead, he sits there and nods, like it’s the most logical thing. “Okay,” he says slowly, urging him on to continue.

Raphael blinks a few times, taken aback by that reaction, but he does go on. “Magnus thinks the bond - at least this _transferred_ one - might be linked to emotions. So…”

“You’re telepathic to my emotions?” Simon guesses. And again, he doesn’t look like he doubts it anyhow. He accepts it, and maybe that means Raphael should do the same - he has thought before that, actually, nothing can be too crazy to be possible in their world.

“Not exactly,” Raphael says. He carries on then, explaining how he woke up in pain, even going back to when it first flared up a few days ago, how it adds up with all the things happening to Simon recently. He watches as there’s something… maybe embarrassment? passing over Simon’s face, maybe at the fact that his feelings aren’t completely his own.

“That… sounds reasonable, actually. Though, does it make sense?” Simon wonders aloud. The moment of distraction seems to do good to him. He seems more lively than only a few moments ago, trying to solve the mystery. “No, it might. I mean, the sire should know when the weaker one is hurt, right? But it doesn’t seem fair-- that way you would have _all_ the pain, you’re own emotional and then the physical because of _my_ emotions… Wait! Could it be because of the Mark?” His eyes are wide as he comes to that conclusion; one hand he lifts off Raphael’s shoulder and touches his forehead like that will explain it all.

It could make sense, Raphael has to give him that. If the _Mark of Cain_ protects him from _any_ kind of threat, then it might extend to what Raphael has felt himself. And maybe it didn’t get thrown back at him because he wasn’t the _direct_ threat. But there’s no way of knowing, not really. It’s all theoretical. And nothing they could run a study on, given that it seems like they’d be alone with it. Not to mention that Raphael has done enough experiments for the rest of his life, however long it may be.

“There’s been no reason for you to feel anything,” he lies in the end. Already telling Simon about the _physical_ pain he’s in has gone against everything he’s trained himself to do. It’s shown a weakness he wouldn’t admit if he had the chance, so at least _that_ is something he can keep under the wraps.

As he looks into Simon’s face, it appears that he probably _can’t_ after all. Of course Simon has paid attention to what has been going on with him, no doubt that Magnus and Isabelle have filled him in somewhat. Of course Simon would think he’s been _sad_. (And what a weak word that is, come to think of it.) There’s compassion written into the fledgling’s face, more than he deserves, and he wonders--

“Heidi was my fault.”

 _Now_ Simon looks surprised. He leans back at last, staring at Raphael with a frown. “ _Heidi_? What-- I thought Lilith…”

Isabelle really has kept quiet about everything as it seems. And Raphael hadn’t even known that, in the end, Heidi hasn’t acted in her own account. He’d thought it was _her_ idea to do all that to Simon, that it was a way to get back to him, painted by her obsession. An obsession that Raphael could had smothered right away but didn’t. Instead, he’s hurt her, over and over, trying to find out what gave Simon the powers he had.

He doesn’t have another choice but to come clean about it.

When he finishes, Simon doesn’t look like he’s about to send him away. There’s no hint of despise in the way he looks at him, openly and not like he’s about to attack him in any second - and _oh_ , would Raphael deserve it -, but there’s… sadness. Maybe even pity, he notices when Simon speaks up. “ _Oh, Raphael,_ ” he says softly. Before he can react, Simon’s already pulled him into a hug.

If Raphael weren’t so surprised, he would have managed to push him away. But he didn’t expect any of it - he _couldn’t_. The way Simon’s arms wrap around him, pulling him against his body with such force, the way he presses Raphael’s head against his neck-- nothing about it makes sense. You don’t embrace someone who just admitted he created the monster who almost killed your family. The reason for them sitting here, against Simon’s _grave_.

“I lied to you,” Simon admits. “I know how I became a daylighter. But I _promised_ I wouldn’t tell. I couldn’t-- I _can’t_ break it. Not now, not when-- I can’t. I’m sorry. I’m _so_ sorry you were so desperate--”

“Are you-- are you kidding me?” Raphael bursts out, completely forgetting himself. He pushes Simon away, scrambling to sit upright again. “I tell you what I have done, what _I_ got you into and-- _you_ apologize? Simon, you can’t--” He shakes his head. “You’re the most idiotic person I have ever met.”

This is what shocks Simon. He sits there, his mouth hanging open, and he doesn’t say anything for a moment. Then he bursts out laughing.

It makes Raphael even more furious. “What is wrong with you?!” He shouts, even though he knows. Everything must be becoming too _much_ finally, driving Simon completely insane.

“It’s just--” Simon says, oblivious to Raphael’s anger, as it seems. “You coming all the way back here and then telling me that _I’m an idiot_ \-- It’s… so _you_. Reminds me of how it used to be.” He finishes with a small smile.

And somehow… it makes Raphael feel… warm? He can’t really describe it, but it’s like the pain inside his chest is gone at last, replaced with a fuzzy feeling. Like Simon’s laughter is the cure for it. Maybe it is, who knows? If it’s about Simon’s emotions… It could be. There’s no way to be certain. He only knows that he can’t keep a smile off his own lips, slowly tugging at it as he sees Simon sport a grin.

They’re not fine, neither of them and not by far, but maybe this, this exchange-- this _clearing_ of things, maybe it could help. Understand what has happened, how everything between them fell apart and learn to cope with it. Learn to cope with everything else and all that will come. The sight in front of him, Simon momentarily forgetting his misery and sitting there as if nothing was wrong, it makes him think that it might be possible.

But all of that is not relevant right now. Maybe his future doesn’t require a plan, maybe it does. But right now, it’s the moment that counts, just hearing out one another and dealing with the past before they move on.

Together as sire and childe.

Together as members of the same clan.

Together as friends.

Together as… who knows?

**Author's Note:**

>  **Please leave a comment!**  
>  If you liked this, come check out my [tumblr](http://joanthangroff.tumblr.com) or talk to me on [twitter](http://twitter.com/Ll4MDUNBAR).


End file.
